1861-1951, American Columnist
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller – [Children]
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller – [Humor]
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller – [Housework]
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller – [Words]
Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller – [Anger]
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller – [Marriage]